The Aging Agnostic.

I was raised Catholic. I converted to Lutheran after my first divorce. I left organized religion altogether after my second divorce, for reasons too numerous to list. My experience with these two Christian denominations was so awful, I questioned Christianity and the whole concept of God in its entirety. I wasn’t sure I believed; but I also didn’t disbelieve. So, for the last 20 years, I have pretty much been an agnostic.

This past month, I became eligible for Medicare. Getting your Medicare card triggers you to start focusing on what happens after you die. There is so much pressure to “find a church” and a church-family to support you as you age and cope with illnesses and disabilities that you didn’t have to face the first six decades of your life. I really want to know what happens when we finally reach the finish line, but I am not willing to go back to a church or an organized religion to guide me in that quest to find out.

My friends are all from different faiths — Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus. They celebrate the holidays and holy days associated with their religions. I don’t celebrate any. We never really discuss religion, although many of my closest friends have told me they have questioned their faith and beliefs as well.

When I think back at my life of faith vs. no faith, I recognize that I had done some really good things when I was a Christian, but I also did some really awful things. Conversely, as an agnostic, I have done many more good things than bad. And, I feel that I am becoming a better person each day, which makes me feel better about my agnosticism.

I believe that if there is a God and a Judgement Day, we will get judged on whether or not we are a good person, not what religion we followed or what God form we believed in. With that being said, I am just going to be the best person I can be, enjoy the journey and hope that I am pleasantly surprised with what awaits me at the end of it.